How the French size each other up
I can feel the judgment
Growing up in the U.S., I was taught from a young age not to stare at people. “It’s rude,” was the adult guidance.
After living in different cultures all over the world for more than 25 years (UK, Germany, France, China, Kenya, U.S., Qatar) you start to notice different cultural nuances - like staring.
Some examples:
I lived in China for six years. But when I first moved there, I had to accept that staring was a part of their culture. I was stared at on the metro more times than I can count. Sometimes, depending on my mood, it would irritate me. But I knew it was harmless; I just looked different to them.
Contrast that with London, where I studied for two years. On the London Underground, people would go almost maniacally out their way to not look at other people. It’s bizarre, like a train full of automatons reading the newspaper or staring straight ahead. (Mind you, that was before cell phones…)
In France, I have found that there is a different kind of ‘look’ that women, specifically, give each other.
What I’m referring to is the not-so-subtle sizing up, you know, when someone looks at you from head to toe. I see it all the time when I’m in France. I could be on the bus or at a cafe — a woman walks in, another looks at her carefully. To me, it’s a scrutinizing look. It makes me very uncomfortable when someone does it to me. What are they looking for?! (And when I’m in France, my wardrobe leans towards French style, so I don’t think I “look” out of place.) But I have to be careful and try not to make assumptions.
Because I cannot be the only one who’s noticed this, I decided to do a little research. I started with a simple Google search for ‘French stare’ and found:
Why French bulldogs stare at you
Best places to stargaze in France
How do you say “stare at” in French?
Not quite what I was hoping to find (but the bulldog stare sounds cute.)
I did, however, find a few threads on Reddit, one of which was a post from a British woman:
“I (F/22) recently moved to France and the one thing I still don't understand is why people stare at me so much. Usually this happens when I'm just walking down the street or on a tram/in the metro. … And it's not just looking at me for a slightly longer time than usual, it's a real, grumpy death stare from both men and women of any age… Never had it in any other country, has anyone else had the same experience? Is this just normal French behavior?”
Most of the [sane] answers were ‘Parisians are grumpy’ or ‘that’s just the French culture’. Someone even offered the saying: ‘s/he isn’t rude, s/he’s from Paris.”
I wondered, maybe it’s just more of a thing in Paris? After all, Paris does set itself apart from the rest of France. In fact, in the French language, there’s ‘Paris’ then there’s ailleurs, which means ‘everywhere else’.
Obviously, the best thing to do is ask a French woman about it. Now, keep in mind that even though I was in Paris for a year and a half, and in the south of France last fall, I keep myself to myself, so I haven’t had the opportunity to talk to a lot of French women.
However! When I was in the South of France, I struck up a conversation one day with a retired French woman while we were both shopping at Monoprix.
“These cashmere sweaters,” she said, “they’re 100 euros, but the quality isn’t good.” We engaged in some small talk. Feeling more courageuse, I decided to ask her about the staring situation in France.
“Ah non,” she said. It doesn’t mean anything, she insisted.
Maybe I got it all wrong. Maybe we foreign folks are just a little sensitive about being looked at. Or maybe that lovely woman knew I was right, and wanted to defend her people so they don’t seem so rude to the rest of the world.
There’s only one thing to do in this situation: I’ll just have to go back to Paris and do some more research. (I’m flying there in the next week.)
Love the cultural insights!